Fake! I feel fake. Who do I think I am? Why am I here? I don’t fit in or belong here.

These were my thoughts Saturday morning as I sat in the Peabody Hotel, journaling my experience at the ACFW Conference. Please don’t get me wrong, no one at the conference ever said those words to me or made me feel this way. As a matter of fact, it was quite the opposite. This was my internal dialogue happening.

American Christian Fiction Writers (ACFW) is a wonderful conference and community of fellow Christian writers. We each come with a calling, desire, passion, and need to write. Our stories are filled with God’s love, forgiveness, grace, and many other messages God has for us to give the world.

I have heard many of the writers talk about imposter syndrome or feeling not good enough. Those feelings come and go for me. For some reason here, they began to overwhelm me. It may have been the beauty and class of the hotel. It felt out of my league, but the staff were wonderful, and I enjoyed every moment I spent in this beautiful place.

Maybe it is the simple fact that I have had this dream for a while, longer than most people could even guess. Yet here I am after multiple conferences and still feel fake, like I don’t belong and I am going nowhere.

As I sat in the lobby and journaled away, I found myself asking God why. Why have I still not published anything or even dared to put myself out there. I can give you several excuses, just like I tried to give God. I took it all the way back to my childhood when I was always trying to be what others wanted me to be just so I could feel like I belong. Here I am at 61, still trying to fit in and belong somewhere.

After a while, my husband joined me and we talked a bit about how I was feeling. We agreed I can only be one thing and that is who God created me to be. I am Kathryn and the best thing I can be is authentically me. While I understand and agree with that statement, I still have this silent internal dialogue speaking to me.

Then my day began and I found myself very busy for a few hours. I meandered up to the silent auction tables and bid on a few of the baskets. I did win some of my bids and with the help of a friend I brought them to my room. I had some time before my next appointment, so I began sorting through them. They were all wonderful, but there was one that I wholeheartedly believe was prayed over and God designed especially for me.

NW Arkansas packed a picnic basket full of goodies. Here are just a few of the items: a variety of pens, encouragement cards, picnic blanket, books, and so much more. There were 3 things that really spoke to me. First, the thank you card that they included for the winner of the basket. This was my first encouragement.

Second a special old book “The Greatest Story Ever Told”. I have seen the movie but never read the book and there is just something special about a book more than 75 years old. The aged paper, well used spine, and smell of an old book that was probably read by many others brings so much comfort to a soul, at least mine.

The final message straight from God to me was found in the pink blanket. I didn’t even see this blanket in the basket when I placed my bid. It was vacuum sealed and tucked in the back. When I found it, I got excited just because it was my favorite color pink! I opened it and tears filled my eyes.

This blanket reminded me of all the things I am in God’s eyes. For me it was a message straight from the heart of God, especially for me in this moment. In my heart, I have known all these things for many years, but my mind sometimes tries to make me forget. In this moment, I heard God telling me never forget who I am to him.

I am leaving the conference today with a heart full of love, a mind full of ideas, and a message from God to trust him, be authentic and write one page at a time. God will give me the message someone needs, and he will make sure it gets into their hands at exactly the right moment. One day at a time, one page at a time, one word at a time, and one prayer at a time.

Blessings,

Kathryn